“Trust the process and be mindful of what you feed your faith”. I heard these words in a dream. Faith begins where I end and God continues beyond what I can fathom. What I take in becomes the fuel for the leaps I must take by faith. Faith is the hope for something that you cannot see but yet you believe that by hope it will come to be.
At the time I thought I was in the process and couldn’t imagine what this would come to mean. It would look like doors closed. Hearing so many variations of no. Opportunities delayed, denied and not present. Sitting on a job mistreated and overlooked by a racist boss. Who’s empowered by the owners to display lack of morals and class. Training a team of people and helping them to get promoted over me.
Mother abandonment and father estrangement. And a family that is anything but functional holding on to grudges that existed before I was born. My daughter’s father murdered at a bar while celebrating his pending graduation.
Explaining to a three-year-old at the time that her father was gone and never coming back. His death was four years ago. Closing my heart off after that and then opening it back up because life is weird living with a cold unforgiving heart. Meeting my now husband and walking in love. Taking the time to love me before meeting him. Giving me the ability to love him at full capacity in a pure and freeing way. As I believe that is what love is. I am a survivor of hell on earth. This was a grudge for a while. Then I realized that survival skills are an advantage.
Trying to fight the agendas of my adversaries. Wondering if God had deserted me. Fighting a constant battle to hold tight to joy and not robbed of peace. Peace is essential to live in this world. In a flawed world that leaves you speechless. It takes the peace that surpasses all understanding to be sustained. I need grace and mercy because I am flawed. This awakened something in me to extend the things I’m most in need of. Allowing my response be kindness even when it doesn’t make sense.
The rejection, abandonment, and mistreatment will never be enough to make me quit. Although I’ve taken an insurmountable amount of losses. I know somethings have a season and must not remain beyond the lesson. Things that would cause me to have deep-rooted issues. It is painful to unpack all that we can sometimes put on top of the pain and self-examine. And surrender what we can’t reach to God.
I learn what it feels like to laugh from my soul. To smile from the well of God’s love for me. What it means to look beyond the fault of others and see their need. Even if their agenda is fraudulent. I learn that too often God isn’t placing me amongst people that he feels like cannot go where he is taking me. That saying is annoying and overused. Often times he will put me in atmospheres so that he can teach me. To love him and invite him in to make a home. Means that I must love. Love despite how “they” treat me because he does. Look past the hurt of a person and see the heart. Everything isn’t personal and some live life out of their wounds.
The process looks a lot like unlearning every untruth that’s written on my heart. that cannot co-exist with all he wants to make right in my heart. This is a process that is trustworthy. This process is hell. This process is heaven on earth. Life is not a bed of roses or box of chocolate. But it is a beautiful blessing. I will never give up no matter how my abilities are underestimated. I am the quiet, observant optimistic introvert. You should never sleep on me. I’ve been a warrior since my first breath. This is not a test. I am not the one.